Baka no Naku Koro ni
by Roxius
Summary: A story fueled by alcohol, insomnia and crack featuring the ever beloved Higurashi characters! My god, I think I'm going to start treating them the same way as the P3 characters soon! Shoujo ai and lesbians abound, but not all that important.


Keiichi was lying in the middle of the road, looking very sullen, when Satoko finally found him.

"Nii-Nii! I finally found you! There's something I really need to tell you!" Satoko exclaimed, waving her little arms around excitedly.

Keiichi rolled over onto his side and grunted, "If it's about how Mion and Rena moved to Canada to get married despite not even being old enough to marry, then go away. Not only do I already know that shit, but I'm still brooding over it..."

"Actually," Satoko replied, "I wanted to tell you how the word 'Matsuribayashi-hen' kind of sounds like 'Masturbation', but you brought up a good point too. Why are you upset, Keiichi? Aren't you happy for our two lesbian friends?"

Sitting up, Keiichi said, "Yeah...I'm glad they're happy. It's just...NOW I HAVE NO ONE! NO ONE TO LOVE! NO ONE TO LIVE FOR! NO ONE TO HELP ME REPAIR MY SHATTERED DREAMS! I'M A LONELY, UNLIVING DREAM-SHATTERED SHELL OF A MAN!"

"...What do you mean?"

"Mion and Rena are off being lesbos together, Shion's got that poor drag-wearing bastard Satoshi locked in her closet, you and Rika are off being lesbos together, Takano is either being straight-A bat shit crazy or torturing that weirdo Tomitake, Hanyuu is still too innocent, and-"

Keiichi's words were cut off when Satoko knocked him down and held a revolver up to his face. The little blond girl was surprisingly heavy, as she was able to keep the much larger Keiichi pinned to the ground with her own body.

"You said alot of bullcrap just now, nii-nii..." Satoko hissed through clenched teeth, the gun's barrel pressing against Keiichi's forehead, "As much as it pains me to accept it, me and Rika...we...we aren't together. Hanyuu took her from me...THAT LITTLE BITCH!"

Now it was Keiichi's turn to be confused. "What are you trying to say, Sistah From Another Mistah?"

Satoko wiped her eyes with the back of her hands as she sobbed, "Oh god, Keiichi...it hurts so much, being lonely and unloved-"

"THAT'S WHAT I WAS TELLING YOU-"

"SHUT UP! Oh, nii-nii! Rika-chan chose Hanyuu over me! Can you believe it? Sure, Hanyuu's cute and she says 'Au au, au au...' alot, but so what? I'M BETTER THAN HER! I AM! I AM! I AM! YOU AGREE DON'T YOU, NII-NII?!"

"Whoa. Your voice is becoming abnormally deep and scary, my little princess..." Keiichi chided, but quickly regretted it when he heard Satoko cock the gun.

"Don't interrupt," Satoko sneered, "As I was saying, nii-nii, I am very upset and vulnerable right now...that's why I carry this gun here just in case I need to let off some RAGE. I'm sorry if I scare you, but what you said before made me so...so...OH GOD, NII-NII, MAKE LOVE TO ME! NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!"

'HOOO SHIT! I'M ABOUT TO BE RAPED BY A PRE-PUBESCENT GIRL!' Keiichi thought, 'Reminds me of an event from my past...'

* * *

_10 years ago..._

Turning to his friend, little Keiichi said, "When I'm older, I hope I get raped by a Pre-Pubescent girl named Satoko while she's holding me at gunpoint! Yeah...that's something to wank off to! Wouldn't you agree, old chum?"

Keiichi's friend just stared at the perverted little boy for a moment before punching him in the mouth.

* * *

Keiichi chuckled to himself at the remembrance of that little bit of childhood trauma. Unfortunately, recalling useless bits of information like that weren't going to help him avoid being raped. However, someone appeared that ended up saving both Keiichi and his virginity...because this someone bashed Satoko in the side of the head with a rusty pipe and sent her spinning through the air before crashing in a thorn bush about a mile away.

And that someone was...Kuraudo Oishi!

"Detective Delish-I mean, Detective Oishi, you saved me!" Keiichi exclaimed.

Oishi grinned and replied, "I had a feeling something was up the moment I watched Satoko walk out of my office after I let her borrow one of my handguns..."

Looking over at where Satoko had fallen, Keiichi asked, "...Do you think she's dead?"

"Who cares?" Oishi snapped, and then he grabbed Keiichi by the arm and whispered, "It's time for you to give me a REWARD for saving you!"

"Am I going to be sexually molested?" Keiichi asked.

Oishi blinked nervously a few times. "Yes."

"Well...as long as its with someone I know and not a stranger!" The boy concluded enthusiastically.

An evil laugh echoed through the air as Oishi dragged poor Keiichi into his police car and locked all the doors...


End file.
